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Few things are more gratifying than having your partner look up at you with genuine amazement after you've made her body sing it ways it never has before. Gratifying for you and her, of course. But sometimes after an A-plus, hole-in-one, gold medal session, she's not the only one laying there, astonished at what might have been the best sex of all time, ever. How the hell did I do that?


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The following is an excerpt from sexual health expert Debby Herbenick's new book, "Because it Feels Good," published this month by Rodale. The book's subtitle, "A woman's guide to sexual pleasure and satisfaction," says it all.

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Print-Quality Photo. In spite of the stereotype that it is mainly women who don't feel like having sex, men sometimes don't feel like it either.

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We probably see, read about, or watch women rejecting sex more often because it is culturally acceptable. Men are generally taught to be the initiators of sex -- and if you're a guy who often initiates sex, then chances are that at least some of the time you'll be rejected.

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As the old saying goes, whether it's with jobs or with dating, "If you're not getting rejections, you're not trying hard enough. There are a lot of reasons why people sometimes aren't in the mood for sex, either privately or with a partner.

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Some common ones include:. All these are valid reasons to not feel up to having sex or self-pleasuring, particularly given the fact that sex often requires both emotional and physical energy.

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However, just because these are valid reasons doesn't mean that people know how to express them effectively to a partner. We often make up reasons why we don't feel like having sex "I just don't feel like it" rather than digging in, telling the truth, and clearly communicating with our partners.

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But your partner knows you too well to buy these lines, and the result is often heartbreaking. He or she may begin to question what you are hiding, what is behind the "No. Can I take a rain check for another night?

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I'd love to go out with you again. I'm going back to the doctor next week to see what's up. What would you think about masturbating while I watch? But I have to tell you: I'm still a little angry about what happened earlier today, and I'm not feeling in the right frame of mind for sex.

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Can we talk about it so I can figure it out in my head and get over it? Our relationship -- and our sex life -- is too important to me to let this come between us.

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There's no getting around it -- each of these rejections is still a rejection. That's life: Not everyone will always want to have sex when you do, and you will not always want to have sex when your partner does. Certainly we can learn to say no or to hear no from our partner without it aling the end of love, lust, or our relationship.

The power of each of the above examples lies in the fact that the person saying no to sex also says something that validates their partner or their relationship, expresses a clear reason for saying no, and indicates that an effort is being made to enhance the relationship.

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This combination makes the "no" a rejection of sex at the very moment, rather than a rejection of the person, the relationship, or future opportunities to have sex. After all, relationship satisfaction is one of the most important elements to sexual satisfaction, so it's important to keep your connections alive.

Consider alternatives to sex that can help you feel close to your partner or indicate that you're still interested in being sexual or intimate in other ways.

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Study after study shows that masturbation, for example, is commonly enjoyed by both women and men who are in happy, committed, satisfying relationships -- it is far from being only a "partner substitute. She also blogs at MySexProfessor.

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More information about her book, Because it Feels Goodwhich will be available on Aug.

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Yes true love can last forever, but to make your love life spicy you need passion and romance.


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